Whine & Cheese – The Webseries

It was only a matter of time. Once I discovered this thing called the ‘Interweb’, I had to have a blog. From there it is a slippery, and inadvertently, drunken slope down into the grotesque depths of ‘cat videos’ and the unending purgatory of ‘animated gifs’. Yes, after a night of carousing, I decided a webseries was in order! It would be one of these classy joints! Not just a bunch of idiots sitting around talking about terrible movies while getting blitzed harder than London in 1940 awkwardly jump cut to provide the illusion of coherence. We would have CGI! Music rights! Movie clips! Guest stars! Celebrity interviews! Product endorsements!

Buuuuuuut…then I realized all of that costs money. So, drunk assholes talking about dumb movies it is! Yes, ladies and gentlemen, this is the official webseries accompaniment for Netflix Russian Roulette starring Erin, Alex and myself as two drunks and a facepalm wandering through the darkened backwoods of a Netflix nobody wishes to acknowledge. We will see shit! We will see bullcrap! We will see wastes of millions of dollars for no other reason than the fact that the studio has to produce a certain number of films a year! And we will DRINK.

No, this is a poster for a thriller. Not for an Eagles comeback tour.

No, this is a poster for a thriller. Not for an Eagles comeback tour.

Episode 1 – The Raven (2012) – James McTeigue (Dir.), John Cusack, Alice Eve, Brendan Gleeson

On our maiden voyage into web reviews, Erin and I got a leeeeetle too hammered. We ended up talking drunken nonsense for about an hour including, but not limited to, Dreamcatcher, John Cusack, the merits of the horror genre, hobo wizards, boobs and an honorable mention to e.e. cummings. On the cutting room floor was a lot of footage of me slurring words, me yelling at people and Alex shaking his head in shame. I’ll assume that will be true for all of these movies. We stopped at the 40 minute and the 1 hour twenty minute mark to give our thoughts on the film. They were not good.

I would also like to point out that this was my first time editing ANYTHING. So, please be gentle.

Abduction (2011) –  John Singleton (Dir.), Taylor Lautner, Lily Collins, Maria Bello, Jason Isaacs, Alfred Molina, Sigourney Weaver, Michael Nyquist, Dylan McDermott

I think e.e. cummings wrote that tagline during his CAPITALS period.

I think e.e. cummings wrote that tagline during his CAPITALS period.

In our second episode (well, third, but we got WAAAAAAAAY too drunk to show our episode on Mirror Mirror) we explore the brilliant, genre-defining, ab-defying, franchise-igniting epic that is Taylor Lautner’s Abduction. Erin’s choice may or may not have fried our brains out of our earholes. From random white men getting shot in the face to a surprise cameo from Not-The-Rock, this movie was everything that we never wanted. How many times can you claw out your own eyes?

Will this cinematic treat lead to a second, ab-ier Bourne trilogy? Can Taylor Lautner act? How many drugs was Maria Bello on during filming? Why is Lucius Malfoy a good guy? Was Alfred Molina in any movies where his spinal is inextricably attached to four metal arms that try to kill Tobey Maguire? All the answers you seek lie in our second episode of our award winning (not really) webseries, Whine & Cheese.

Possession (2002) – Neil LaBute (Dir.), Aaron Eckhart, Gwyneth Paltrow, Tom Hollander, Jeremy Northam, Jennifer Ehle, Queen Cersei, and some other British People.

Join us for the harrowing tale of poets and British and...(he collapses into sleep)

Join us for the harrowing tale of poets and British and…(he collapses into sleep)

Well, sometimes we decide on a movie to watch. Sometimes that movie is a turd so incapable of polishing that you soil yourself at the thought. And sometimes that movie is In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale. It was my choice this time around and, after much arguing and whining, we decided that Uwe Boll’s tour de flatulence was simply too terrible for human viewing. Thusly, we were caught with a dilemma. We had the pizza. We had the people. We had the wine…well, we had way too much wine. The evening proceeded down the terrible, unending road of Flix-surfing. Every choice was an agony. Eventually, we discovered this little gem waiting at the bottom of the “Why the hell would anyone watch this movie?” pile. And, boys and girls, we were not disappointed…in that we were completely fucking disappointed. This was one of the most boring movies of all time. Starring Aaron “The Chin” Eckhart and Gwyneth “The Reason For All Evil in the Universe” Paltrow, this picture by Neil LaBute is so fucking boring that we decided to talk about something else entirely. Namely: bees. So, enjoy us being drunk and shitting on G-Palt. Because, seriously, she deserves it.

Trapped in the Closet (2005) – R. Kelly (Dir.), R Kelly, R. Kelly, Cat Wilson, R Kelly, Michael K. Williams, R Kelly some more and a midget

Trapped in the Closet: Now Stealing Fonts from LA Confidential

Trapped in the Closet: Now Stealing Fonts from LA Confidential

It is known that the pathway towards genius is a path well-trod and filled with obstacles, both emotional and physical, existential and intellectual, sexual and totally sexual. It seems that R. “Yes He Actually Made this Movie” Kelly has sprinted down the genius path hitting every fucking ugly branch on the way there. Trapped in the Closet is Kelly’s epic hip-hopera charting the events of a day in the life of some guy who has sex with a lot of women. There will be spatulas! Midgets! Lesbians! Omar from The Wire! Inexplicable edits! Flagrant racism! AIDS! This lyric poetry runs the gamut of western literary theory, dragging you through the truth, horror and beauty of what it is like to live in R Kelly’s brain. And trust me, it’s terrifying in there. So, be warned. Beware. Be ready to fucking do this people. There will be pizza! There will be shots! There will be a room of white people feeling really awkward! There will be flagrant mistakes about African American thespians including but not limited to: Morgan Freeman, Omar Epps, and Sean Connery. Join me, Erin and special guest star, and dragon, Ryan Lehmenkuler as we tackle this beast five ‘chapters’ at a time. Also, join us for our special Halloween episode airing on October 31st. It will be SPOOK-TAC-ULICIOUS.

Please leave any movie suggestions in the comment section of this page or any of the articles. Seeing as the amount of work and liver-based fortitude required to make one of these things is daunting, we might only be able to pump one out every two or so weeks. Well, thank you for watching and please join us soon for more cheese and far, far, FAR more whine.

Ah. The dream team on it's maiden voyage. Yes, I'm aware that's a mixed metaphor.

Ah. The dream team on its maiden voyage. Yes, I’m aware that’s a mixed metaphor.

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