Archive for the ‘Halloween’ Category

Well, now that my summer burst of movie love is over, we are able to descend into the dark and dingy septic tank that is the horror film genre. While kiddly-winks run rampant through the streets looking more idiotic than usual and hopped up on the most dangerous stimulant of all: sucrose, ss the girls get sluttier and the boys get toiletpaperier and everyone gets drunker, we discover that All Hallow’s Eve is upon us! Therefore, I am finally given full agency to put on my scuba gear and explore the Cameron-esque depths of the worst genre of film (other than Katherine Heigl movies. She’s the UTI of cinema) Don’t get me wrong, some of my favorite movies of all time are horror. I fucking love horror movies. However, the horror lexicon plays host to some of the grandest, greatest, most putrid, nostril-burning, titty-twisting, pubic-hair-riddled turd monkeys to have ever graced the cinematic landscape. What is perhaps the most infuriating and wretched quality of these tales is the fact they tickle my tastebuds with teases of talent, glimpses of genius, flashes of fleeting flair, perhaps with fascinating creatures that pluck at the imagination or dark deeds committed by deranged people, and yet at every turn they deliver nothing but trite bullshit intended for the lowest common denominator. And I’m not sure if you’ve witnessed the mathematical ability of Americans, but it ain’t great. The lowest common denominator is so fucking low that mathematicians are still looking for it. For every The Ring, The Shining, The Thing and The Randomwordendingwith-ing we are given The Last Exorcism, Dominion: The Prequel to the Exorcist, The Exorcism of Emily Rose, The Exorcist II: Heretic, The Exorcist III, The Exorcist: The Beginning, Leprechaun In The Hood. All great movies on the surface, but when you lift the hook of the car, instead of seeing a purring engine beneath, it’s that shit monster from Dogma ready to cover you in feces but this time there is no stripper Salma Hayek to save you (that movie is confusing on every level when you’re not a giggling idiot of a teenage boy).

So, to honor the season, I have selected a series of films that I wish to review. There are 4 good weeks in October and so I shall do 4 good (um, probably not, let’s be real) horror movies. Here’s the thing, you get to decide which ones. The fourth has already been selected, that is immutable and secret. Below is a poll, a smattering, if you will (and I will) of horror/classics/jokes/requisites that I have never had the good fortune to witness. So, please, my readers, choose three films that you believe I should watch to diminish the gaps in my filmic knowledge. The top three, in order of popularity, will receive viewings and subsequent verbal brutalizations or cunnilingus fests (I got bored of all the penis imagery).

My fate, as they say, is in your hands. Do you have butterfingers? Vote! And we shall see…