A Spook-tastic Hallow-Mooney Movie Watch-a-thon!

Posted: September 19, 2012 in American, British, Comedy, Drama, English-Language, Halloween, Horror, RELAPSE, Sci-Fi, Thriller
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Well, now that my summer burst of movie love is over, we are able to descend into the dark and dingy septic tank that is the horror film genre. While kiddly-winks run rampant through the streets looking more idiotic than usual and hopped up on the most dangerous stimulant of all: sucrose, ss the girls get sluttier and the boys get toiletpaperier and everyone gets drunker, we discover that All Hallow’s Eve is upon us! Therefore, I am finally given full agency to put on my scuba gear and explore the Cameron-esque depths of the worst genre of film (other than Katherine Heigl movies. She’s the UTI of cinema) Don’t get me wrong, some of my favorite movies of all time are horror. I fucking love horror movies. However, the horror lexicon plays host to some of the grandest, greatest, most putrid, nostril-burning, titty-twisting, pubic-hair-riddled turd monkeys to have ever graced the cinematic landscape. What is perhaps the most infuriating and wretched quality of these tales is the fact they tickle my tastebuds with teases of talent, glimpses of genius, flashes of fleeting flair, perhaps with fascinating creatures that pluck at the imagination or dark deeds committed by deranged people, and yet at every turn they deliver nothing but trite bullshit intended for the lowest common denominator. And I’m not sure if you’ve witnessed the mathematical ability of Americans, but it ain’t great. The lowest common denominator is so fucking low that mathematicians are still looking for it. For every The Ring, The Shining, The Thing and The Randomwordendingwith-ing we are given The Last Exorcism, Dominion: The Prequel to the Exorcist, The Exorcism of Emily Rose, The Exorcist II: Heretic, The Exorcist III, The Exorcist: The Beginning, Leprechaun In The Hood. All great movies on the surface, but when you lift the hook of the car, instead of seeing a purring engine beneath, it’s that shit monster from Dogma ready to cover you in feces but this time there is no stripper Salma Hayek to save you (that movie is confusing on every level when you’re not a giggling idiot of a teenage boy).

So, to honor the season, I have selected a series of films that I wish to review. There are 4 good weeks in October and so I shall do 4 good (um, probably not, let’s be real) horror movies. Here’s the thing, you get to decide which ones. The fourth has already been selected, that is immutable and secret. Below is a poll, a smattering, if you will (and I will) of horror/classics/jokes/requisites that I have never had the good fortune to witness. So, please, my readers, choose three films that you believe I should watch to diminish the gaps in my filmic knowledge. The top three, in order of popularity, will receive viewings and subsequent verbal brutalizations or cunnilingus fests (I got bored of all the penis imagery).

My fate, as they say, is in your hands. Do you have butterfingers? Vote! And we shall see…

  1. Taylor Soderborg says:

    How are you my friend yet have not watched night of the living dead?!?!?!? You cannot have one without the other!

    • Taylor, I am an a social chameleon. There are many films that I should have watched and can pretend to have watched becaus elf their prominent stance in the collective creative cloud. There are some horrifying gaps in my filmic knowledge and only those who can see into my deepest, darkest secrets can know about them.

      And this website, I suppose, eventually. Did you know I haven’t seen Casablanca? Spoooooooktastic!

  2. Thank you (finally!) for giving some vaginal imagery instead of the usual penis/fellatio bit. Equal opportunity, brother, that’s what it’s all about.

    All joking aside, this was so hard! (Insert penis/fellatio joke here.) I did, after much deliberation and changing my mind, choose 3 movies for you, 2 of which I’ve seen and loved and one I haven’t but I still would like to hear your opinion. When do you close the poll and announce the winners?

    Can’t wait for your reviews, whichever movies you watch. The horror genre – god-awful as it can be (and so often is) – is my favorite. I love to be scared. (In a suspenseful, non-rape fantasy way.)

    I feel this comment has been derailed somehow… best to just stop now.
    🙂 Nikki

  3. I will select the movie with the most votes on Friday October 5th and that shall be viewed that weekend. Then, the movie that wins the most votes after that will get a viewing on the weekend of 10/13. The last movie will air on the weekend of the 20th and then the final, secret movie will occur on the weekend of the 27th. Also, there is a block on repeat voting. So…if you want to vote multiple times, you have to do it from multiple devices (hint, hint).

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