Batman and Robin (1997) – Joel Schumacher (Dir.), George Clooney, Chris O’Donnell, Alicia Silverstone, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Uma Thurman

Spin the Wheel of Terrible! Everyone’s a loser!

Here it is. Like a virgin trying to hide his boner while waiting for her to ask him up for a cup of coffee at the end of a third date, the big moment has come. We have reached it, the White Whale of movie turdery, the sasquatch of insanity, the Fecal Queen of this cinematic shit-scape: Batman and Robin. Back in 1997, the world waited with abated breath and vomit ready to spew as Joel Schumacher descended further into his Heart of Darkness (where the furry, luminous pink things are kept) and produced this thing, this filmic equivalent of a piss-stained mattress: you wanna see, but then you just feel dirty after. Val Kilmer is out and a barely-known TV doctor is in, bat-nipples and all. We even have Clarissa Explains it All along for the ride. And Chris O’Who-The-Fuck?-Donnell! Well, before I launch into a full on, category five diatribe-icaine, as the US Government said to the Afghani people back in 2001, “I want to lay some truth bombs on you.” Except, they said it without the word ‘truth’.

Batman and Robin is a resounding success.

Now, before you fankids have aneurisms so hard that your brains rupture and blood has nowhere left to go but explode out of your genitalia, let me explain. Calling Batman and Robin a success in no way means that it was ‘good’ or ‘enjoyable’ or ‘not-porcupine-enema- inducing’. It isn’t any of those things. In 1995 the world observed our beloved brooding bat bent over a barrel and brutalized. What had been a decidedly odd, yet macabre, franchise was frilled and killed with colors so eclectic it made Ozzy Osborne believe he was having yet another LSD flashback. However, after allowing the horror to subside and my body to regain many of the fluids it needed after such a long session of dry-heaving, I observed Batman and Robin from a different perspective. What makes this movie so successful is that it is exactly what Joel Schumacher wanted. This is no Heaven’s GateThis is the only logical conclusion put forth by Batman “What the Fuck?” Forever. Thus, if you see this movie with any other expectation, of course you will be disappointed. While Batman “Make it Stop” Forever was a frail sixteen-year-old boy wearing sparkles to prom while clutching the arm of his beard, (poor Shelly, who really did like him. Thus began a slew of closeted boyfriends for the girl and an eventual death by over-catting her studio in Brooklyn), Batman and Robin is that same boy returning from college and introducing the nice lad on his arm as ‘Dick, my boyfriend’. The sequins are the same. He still over-emphasizes the word ‘fabulous’. But now, more than anything, we’re just proud that he can finally be himself.

Batman was discouraged when he discovered that both he and Robin were disqualified from little-league hockey due to pedophilia.

That being said, Joel Schumacher is one of the worst fucking filmmakers of all time. It’s really adorable that he did exactly what he wanted with my favorite childhood superhero. I’m really glad that he got to bury that blade into the Bat’s back over and over again (a multi-colored blade with a matching fur handle). Why couldn’t he have done it to someone else? Someone who sucks? Like Aquaman? They could have made all the semen puns he could have ever wanted (I imagine the dialogue consisting only of ejaculations – see what I did there? Ejaculation is an old word for speaking…nope? Illiterate fools!). But no. We are treated to even more Bat-Crotch and Bat-Butt. Jim Carrey’s sparkly green package has been dutifully replaced with Bane’s impenetrable and terrifyingly over-sized chastity belt. Tommy Lee’s unnerving cackle has be substituted with Arnie’s incompetency with the English language. And Uma Thurman’s breasts have been tossed into the mix (to help people toss off). What we have is a mess of such Chernobolic proportions that even Keith Richards would look at it and say ‘Dude, get your shit together’.

What’s this one about? Who fucking knows? Batman is here, still sporting turtlenecks and looking like he will have sex with anyone anytime. We have Robin again, pearl earring and all. Alfred is sick with ‘Stage One’, a nefarious disease of such Voldemortarian levels that nobody can even say it’s name. The story consists of Mr. Freeze, looking like that time Tobias covers himself in the diamond face mask in Arrested Development, trying to bring his wife back from the dead with the cunning use of diamonds. Why? Because she’s a materialistic whore diamonds are a girl’s best friend? Also, Uma Thurman goes from looking like she just got off the set of Les Miserables to getting dumped in poison and returning as a drag queen even RuPaul would envy. Oh yeah, she also has Lou Ferrigno following her around dressed as the gimp from Pulp Fiction. Maybe he’s Bane. It’s hard to tell behind all the grunts. Poison Ivy and Freeze join up to…I guess destroy the world? So she can breed a super-race of plants and reenact the biggest production of Little Shop of Horrors? I guess? And this is totally disregarding the fact that ice kills all plants, unequivocally. Again, this thing doesn’t make a goddamn lick of sense. Oh yes, and Alicia Silverstone implausibly pouts her way into tight rubber to join them as a woefully employed Batgirl.

Robin was horrified when he later wikipedia-ed the term ‘Cleveland Steamer’.

Firstly: the writing. If we had played a drinking game based on the occurrence of a pun, our livers would currently look like Edward James Olmos’ face. Thank god we refrained. In terms of film time, on average, for every thirty seconds, there are ninety puns. There are that goddamn many. They begin fairly high-brow and witty – “The Iceman Cometh!” Eugene O’Neill reference, well done. And they end…well…about has highly-browed as a meth-whore going into the dumpster for one last look: “Slippery when wet” – it’s so bad, it might not even be a pun. Seriously, the pun-o-meter was flickering in the red for so long, I’m surprised Oscar Wilde didn’t return from the grave and bugger this movie to death. The script was like the literary equivalent of a group of dads sitting around 5 year olds trying to top one another in the ‘Please dad, shut the fuck up’ category.

Who do we have on parade? First, there’s Arnold, spewing phonemes that, when put through a language analysis device, turns out to be a garbled form of English. Mr. Schumacher took one of the more tragic figures in super-villainy and turned him into a Mighty Duck-employing, pun-spouting, Polar Bear-slipper wearing monstrosity. I’ve never regarded Arnie’s chops as being particularly dramatic, but here, it’s just kind of sad. What’s even more discouraging is that he’s trying harder than anyone else in this damn movie. He sells those fucking puns, like that theater kid running through the halls of his high school trying so hard to get people to care about his production of Waiting for Godot: The Musical.There’s a heartbreaking level of commitment, of professional naiveté, as though his agent was playing a joke on the man when he suggested him auditioning for the role and it just got too far down the line for him to yell, “Gotcha, Arnie! Don’t be in that fucking movie!” It’s depressing.

Next, we have Miss Uma “I Will Murder You With Sex” Thurman playing the role for which she was born, Poison Ivy. Honestly, though my favorite incarnation of this character is a murderous queen of freakish plants, Uma’s turn as a villain so campy she could pitch her own tent is incredibly amusing. From the moment she appears like Venus emerging from the clam (though it’s more Puxatawny Phil appearing from his hole in the ground) to her turn as a sexy gorilla creature at the ‘Wayne Ball’, she is just having the time of her fucking life. She employs this homing red mist that makes guys and girls alike take one-way trips to bonerville and, inexplicably, makes highly-choreographed male dancers enact surprisingly impressive routines without direction. Every one of her scenes is a cavalcade of terrible acting, gaudy set design and horribly misplaced wigs. It’s as though she thought she was still in Pulp Fictionafter seeing Bane as her costar and never got the memo that the flaming dude behind the camera was not in fact Tarantino and this was not an ironic send-up of terrible comic book movies. Who cares? She is, hands down, the most enjoyable part of this movie.

He looks like if you dipped the Cavity Creeps in Toxic Waste.

Last, and certainly least, we have the worst possible Batman anyone could have ever suggested to anybody. The only way Batman could be any worse would be if he were played by fucking Urkel. In perfect Clooney-esque fashion, he just sort of wanders from scene to scene, oozing charm, wearing the shit out of a double-breasted blazer, and saying lines like the only thing in life he will never give is a fuck. Because he doesn’t. You can tell. I’m not sure if Schumacher bribed him, or had a miniature explosive device attached to his nut sack, ready to detonate if he left the film set before shooting was wrapped, or what. It is so painfully obvious that Clooney doesn’t want to be there that he seems more like that spoiled kid on the field trip who is constantly pissed off that his mom refused to pack him a Three Musketeers when he specifically asked her like three times and this was the one time because they always made fun of him for not having any candy so can’t he for once just once have a fucking candy bar on the field trip so he doesn’t feel like such a fucking pariah! Whoops, not sure where that came from. Anyway, Chris O’Donnell carries his shit-eating grin from scene to scene, donning his absurd waistcoats mixed with white t-shirts and employing an inexplicable, neon motorbike toaster. He seems to be having a great time! Even Alicia Silverstone doesn’t mind entering the film looking like Britney Spears circa 1999 and almost pouting her baby-face into oblivion.

This is an historic film. It marks the lowest of the low of DC comic book movies. Even the abortion that was The Green Lantern couldn’t hold a candle to this bastard of a b-roll. However, like all horrific historical events, we have to examine what it brought about. Perhaps this gave Clooney the impetus he needed to escape to Italy, cocoon himself in all that is man to return as a golden god of celebrity-hood? We know for sure that if this movie hadn’t gone down like Amelia Earhart, we wouldn’t have had Chris Nolan to reach into the crypt and resurrect this beloved franchise. To get angry at this movie is like getting angry at a puppy shitting on the floor. You can yell and you can shout, but your white carpet is still covered in poop. Just know that puppy has learned and it will grow to be your best friend. This film is terrible. It’s awful. But, it still exists. And it will always exist. That is unless Clooney’s team of assassins finds every single copy and ritualistically burns it in the form of a Schumacher effigy. That would be freaking sweet.

And now…Tweets!

Why are there two bats? Is the bat buttfucking the robin? #batathon

Is he toasting his motorcycle? I see the neon budget has tripled.#batathon

Um…that’s not how ice works… #batathon

“I’m Batman.” ~ Clooney sounds like he’s presenting to his daughter’s second grade class. #batathon

And cameos by the Mighty Ducks. Brought on by Emilio Estevez’s returned drinking problem. #batathon

He would literally have to freeze everywhere for the henchmen to go anywhere. Did they skate there? #batathon

Is that a load-bearing brontosaurus? #batathon

Why didn’t he freeze his head? THAT WOULD BE FAR MORE SENSIBLE!! #batathon

Why does air surfing make you fall faster? #batathon

Apparently, this is the movie where Robin goes through puberty.#batathon

How is he slowing his free fall? “He’s freezing everything below him.” #WHATTHEFUCK#batathon

Robin is dead. Dude. Leave him. Even if he isn’t, it’s okay. We hate him. #batathon

And now: a completely different place with nothing to do with anything. Continuity! #batathon

Uma Thurman in full Les Mis mode. She dreamed a mutherfucking dream. #batathon

Bane: brought to you by Nutty Professor III: Now he’s white. Well, green. #batathon

That chastity belt on Bane must have been made by Lockheed fucking Martin. #batathon

What was that? “That was his death yowel! A murderous yop!”#batathon

Apparently, Mr. Freeze impersonated Benny Hill and died. Learn from this children. #batathon

This is the era of film where Clooney should be fucking up a vampire Quentin Tarantino. #batathon

“Night night. No smooches? Shall we play flowers for Algernon?” ~ Alfred. Melancholy. #batathon

This is Joel Schumacher’s She’s All That. #batathon

“Dudes. This is real botany. Right here. Seriously.” #batathon

Why does Freeze have a concubine? Maybe he likes to BLUE BALL himself. Thanks Meg. #batathon

“It’s not diamonds. It’s what he ejaculates.” #batathon

Helena Bonham Carter as the dead bitch. Maybe she’s not dead. Maybe she’s just Helena Bonham Carter. #batathon

BAT TURTLENECKS AGAIN!!!!! #batathon

“Sorry, I can’t hear you over my sideburns.” ~ Robin. #batathon

Clueless – Alicia Silverstone and everything in this fucking franchise.#batathon

That’s Clooney’s “She’s DTF. Which end do you want?” face.#batathon

“Uncle Alfred?” “What is it? I’m masturbating to memories of the empire.” #batathon

“Alicia. Make dimples. Now talk.” “But…I can’t do both at the same…” “DO IT!” ~ Joel’s directing style. #batathon

“Queen Latifah is in this!” “Ryan, they are not all Queen Latifah.”#batathon

Uma, baby, lose every frill on your outfit. Then we can talk #batathon

The reporter with the eyebrows on her glasses is back. Please punch her. #batathon

I’m glad the pubic hair monsters joined the partay. #batathon

Did Poison Ivy pop in her own CD? And then turn into a sexy gorilla? #batathon

The one pun missing when talking about Ivy’s Vjay jay, “It’s a jungle down there.” #batathon

If you get far enough into Ivy’s vagina, you’ll find Marlon Brando mumbling incoherently. #batathon

Is that a neon bongo? And a batman credit card? Need to hemorrhage…rising… #batathon

Arnie, that was a bad pun. It wasn’t a ‘ice’ pun. #batathon#ihatemyself

“In the circus, the Flying Graysons were a team.” “Yep. And they got fucking murdered. Shut up.” #batathon

“Alfred, I’m bored. Can you sum this up without the dramatic pauses? Oh good, a flashback. Thanks!” ~ Batman, a teenager#batathon

Sound effects brought to you by my 2 year old cousin. #batathon

BANE! FENG SHUI! I LOVE DECORATING! #batathon

“FLIP THIS HOUSE!” Bane, the only person on Flip This House who could, actually, flip this house. #batathon

“Did that flower just orgasm?” #batathon

What instrument is that? A saxo-lin? A trump-iano? A penis in the ear? #batathon

And Coolio reminds us that his head looks like something I picked out of my nose last week. #batathon

“By the way, I just want to point out, this movie is still happening.” ~ Huntsy #batathon

“They’re totally ripping off Grease 3.” ~ Ryan. Optimistic. #batathon

Gary Busey would have been a better Mr. Freeze. You wouldn’t even have to write dialogue, just dress him in neon and hope for the best.

Oh no! Arnie and Uma! PUN…LEVELS…OVERLOADING… #batathon

“Reinforced steel.” THAT IS OBVIOUSLY BRICK. BECAUSE IT IS BRICK. THAT’S WHAT IT FUCKING IS. #batathon

“He’s not Mr. Bane. He’s just Bane. Like Madonna. But with bigger tits.” #batathon

What they leave out of Freeze’s wife’s back story is that she was a horrible Nazi war criminal. Oh well. #batathon

Holy Hardon Batman! “I’m hard too. Well, we might as well just do this.” ~ later described as the “incident that shall never be discussed.”

Why does Ivy need consent? Is she really that sex positive?#batathon

“Oh no! Holy Pea Pudding Batman!” And then Robin died of prostate cancer six months later. #batathon

“Where is Harvey Dent? Oh right, he was black then he was Tommy Lee Jones. Happens.” #batathon

Wait, who will suffer? Hugh Manatee? The British manatee? What did he ever do to you, you poxy bastard? #batathon

“He’s suffering from Stage One.” “Stage One what?” “Shut up. I’m a doctor, you piece of shit.” #batathon

“Didn’t we resolve this issue when I dumped you in pudding?” ~ Batman. #batathon

“Hey Alfred, I know you’re dying, but can you hurry? I’m, like, really bored.” ~ Batgirl #batathon

If Ivy’s pheromones cause a boner that lasts for more than four hours, please consult your local Batman. #batathon

Wait…your first guess for Alfred’s password was “Alfred”. Try 12345, you fucking idiot. #batathon

This movie would have a far more interesting meaning if at the end of every flashback Alfred stands and pulls down his zipper.#batathon

This movie makes Lawrence of Arabia feel like a five second film.#aaaaaargh #batathon

THIS….FURNITURE…SET…WOULD…LOOK…LOVELY. ~ Bane, still not understanding the basics of mid-romantic interior design.#batathon

“I really had nothing to do with the decoration. It was all Bane. Especially the beads.” ~ Ivy #batathon

“My lips are immune to your charms.” ~ Robin. You know you can just hit her, right? That’s something you can do. #batathon

“Robin, pretend like you don’t recognize Barbara. It’ll make her feel included.” ~ Batman. Supportive. #batathon

Why is Vanilla Ice not in this movie? An opportunity missed, I feel.#batathon

And Coolio wasn’t used in some kind of pun battle? Seriously, guys?#batathon

In the time it took to change into matching clothing, they could have stopped murdering half of Gotham. But fashion is too important!

“Hang on, obligatory minorities! Let’s do this.” #batathon

The girl who used ‘Alfred’ as the first choice of password is a ‘computer genius’. Then my gall bladder is a fucking neurosurgeon.#batathon

“We found her. Restored her. She has her bubbles returned. Also, you do know people need oxygen? She’s been dead for years.”#batathon

Oh yeah. He has Ewan MacGregor disease, you’re naked all the time and then you’re in Star Wars. (That’s Stage Four) #batathon

And Freeze has the magical cure to ‘Stage One’ in his arm. Because he needed to have it there. All the time. #batathon

I want them all to laugh, hug, high five and then freeze frame.#batathon

DAMMIT SCHUMACHER! JUST TURN THE CAMERA OFF!#batathon

So, we have come to the end of the terribleness. I can see the light, just off in the distance… Join us this weekend. Saturday around 5pm CST we will charge into Batman Begins and then the fanboy porno that is The Dark Knight around 4pm CST on Sunday. Get ready, bitches, for some real fucking Batman.

Advertisements
Comments
  1. This paragraph: “What’s this one about? Who fucking knows? Batman is here, still sporting turtlenecks and looking like he will have sex with anyone anytime. We have Robin again, pearl earring and all. Alfred is sick with ‘Stage One’, a nefarious disease of such Voldemortarian levels that nobody can even say it’s name. The story consists of Mr. Freeze, looking like that time Tobias covers himself in the diamond face mask in Arrested Development, trying to bring his wife back from the dead with the cunning use of diamonds. Why? Because she’s a materialistic whore diamonds are a girl’s best friend? Also, Uma Thurman goes from looking like she just got off the set of Les Miserables to getting dumped in poison and returning as a drag queen even RuPaul would envy. Oh yeah, she also has Lou Ferrigno following her around dressed as the gimp from Pulp Fiction. Maybe he’s Bane. It’s hard to tell behind all the grunts. Poison Ivy and Freeze join up to…I guess destroy the world? So she can breed a super-race of plants and reenact the biggest production of Little Shop of Horrors? I guess? And this is totally disregarding the fact that ice kills all plants, unequivocally. Again, this thing doesn’t make a goddamn lick of sense. Oh yes, and Alicia Silverstone implausibly pouts her way into tight rubber to join them as a woefully employed Batgirl.” is one of the greatest things I’ve EVER READ. VOLDEMORTARIAN?!!!!!!!!!!! “I’m not worthy!” *kneels down*
    ~A

  2. […] Batman and Robin – Homeless Person’s Vomit. Self-explanatory. And it might give you a staph infection. Share this:TwitterFacebookLike this:LikeBe the first to like this. […]

  3. […] even let JGL be Robin! Please!”) to Bat-pression (liquor bottles everywhere, “remember Batman and Robin? I want to die”) to finally Bat-ceptance (“At least Zack Snyder never made a Batman […]

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s