BAT-A-THON: Batman Forever (1995) – Joel Schumacher

Posted: July 9, 2012 in Action, American, BATATHON, English-Language, RELAPSE, Summer

Batman Forever (1995) – Joel Schumacher (Dir.), Val Kilmer, Tommy Lee Jones, Jim Carrey, Nicole Kidman, Chris O’Donnell

Starring: Val “DSLs” Kilmer, Nicole “Just a Little Boob” Kidman, Tommy Lee “Rapist Smile” Jones, Jim “Rapter” Carrey, and that other guy.

To be read to the tune of Seal’s Masterpiece of modern song, Kiss From a Rose:

Buh, du-duuh, du-duh, duh-duh duh duh. Buh-du-duh.

Buh, du-duuh, du-duh, duh-duh duh duh. Buh-du-duh.

There used to be a franchise of Batman by Burton,

Iiiiit became a nasty piece of shit.

Joooel Schumacher got his hands on the movies,

But did you know,

That when it shows,

My eyes become large and

The nausea rolls though my gut.

Batman!

I compare you to an ulcer on my inner mouth,

Ooh,

The more I tongue you,

The shittier it feels, yeah.

And now that your Nolan has come,

I like you once more, thank God.

Buh, du-duuh, du-duh, duh-duh duh duh. Buh-du-duh.

Buh, du-duuh, du-duh, duh-duh duh duh. Buh-du-duh.

Okay… The turdish quagmire has waylaid our path towards Bat-Nirvana (it’s like regular Nirvana, but it’s labeled). As Burton’s aesthetic charm drifts off into the distance, we are eagerly confronted with Joel Schumacher’s creative penis, waggling all up in our eyeball region. And it will artistically cock-slap the shit out of you. What we have here is the perfect, self-contained codification of the 1990s. A simpler time. A time when Jim Carrey was famous. When Space Jam was a good movie. When Will Smith fighting a giant spider in the Wild West wasn’t immediately met with blinding, homicidal audience rage. I don’t know what happened in this period of film, what part of our brains stopped functioning as Mr. Clinton slept with interns and OJ got off… All I have to say is, WTF 90s? What were you doing? Why did you think any of this is okay? You took one of our favorite brooding superheroes and violated him. As the turn of the millennium came, Batman crawled from the sex-dungeon that is Batman and Robin and curled up in a ball, weeping for his mother (which is  unfortunate because she is, of course, dead). Perhaps I can’t blame the entire decade. But I can sure as shit blame Joel “If Liberace Had a Brain Embolism” Schumacher.

BAT-CODPIECES!

I don’t remember when Batman Returns entered the cinematic landscape. I was only five at the time and was only aware of the fact that Danny Devito was capable of violating my every dream and nightmare. Therefore, the first ever Batman movie I remember seeing was Batman Forever. We had it on VHS and I watched that shit almost as much as I watched Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves. You know, the one with Kevin Costner as Robin Hood as John Wayne and Alan Rickman threatening to carve out hearts with spoons. The more I delve back into the memory of the 90s, the more I force my face into my hands and ask, “Why god? Why would you let us do such terrible things to ourselves?” I remember loving the shit out of this movie, from beginning to end. I even clearly recollect the horrifying video game trailer before the movie began. It was some formative shit.

So, what do we have? Apparently, in the three years since the Bat viciously and mercilessly murdered the Penguin, the mayorship of Gotham shifted to a one Mr. Skrillrex and both its black light and neon budgets were increased ten-fold. Due to no reason whatsoever, the Joker I mean, Two Face (played with terrifying commitment by Mount Rushmore impersonator Tommy Lee Jones) wants to kill Batman and steal shit. Nicole Kidman wants some Bat-penis. Also, Edward Nygma kills an infuriatingly underused Ed Begley Jr. and becomes, curiously, a man obsessed with green spandex (otherwise known as The Riddler). During a charity circus (Editor’s Note: WHAT THE FUCK IS A CHARITY CIRCUS AND WHY IS IT GIVING ME BOTH A SEIZURE AND DIARRHEA?) Two Face shoots the Flying Graysons and 28-year-old I mean, not-capable-of-taking-care-of-himself ‘Master Dick’ inexplicably begins living with Bruce Wayne. The Riddler tries stealing people’s brains…or something…Tommy Lee Jones laughs (it’s one of the more disturbing things I’ve witnessed in my lifetime and I have seen a man shit himself on the street and then eat it) and Batman is suddenly blonde.

We have a lot of ground to cover here, people, so let’s begin. Now, what Burton had mined within this franchise couldn’t have been called anything close to subtlety; but there was a sort of insane sanity binding the whole experience together, a single spine of crazy off of which everything else branched, offering, ultimately, a cohesive whole. Yes, you might be watching Michelle Pfeiffer whip off mannequin heads or the Penguin bite a dude on the fucking nose, but you never questioned. It was the world. Schumacher saw this and, undoubtedly, thought to himself, “That’s good. You know what it doesn’t have enough of? Neon.” Thus began the slippery slope into this bat-shit stew. That boiling pot of feces contains such wonderful items including, but not limited to: Jim Carrey’s ever-changing hairstyle and color, Nicole Kidman being a nympho, Two Face wearing more leopard print than a cougar convention, Drew Barrymore, bat-nipples etc. It’s a feast for the eyes! Did I say ‘feast’? I meant ‘used colostomy bag’. There was more crotch-highlighting in this film than in a gay stationary-based sex party. There were codpieces everywhere! Seriously, though, I once sprayed Jalapeño juice directly into my eyeball and was washing it out for almost an hour. That, alone, was a more enjoyable aesthetic experience than this movie.

“Hey, Tommy, try this out!” Thus began the second most awkward orgy of Tommy Lee’s life.

Terrible art direction aside, let’s take a gander at the characters. We have Tommy Lee Jones as something. They call him Two Face…but it certainly isn’t him. Two Face is a nuanced character with a deep backstory, a split personality disorder and an obsession with the duality of chaos. Mr. Jones, on the other hand, is a cackling, preening prince of a windbag giggling like a hyena and allowing half of his face to emulate Courtney Love’s vagina. There’s a part where he keeps flipping his coin until he gets the result he wants. That is so fucking incorrect, it makes my fanboy titties twist themselves! (Editor’s Note: my Mac autocorrect just changed ‘titties’ to ‘tithes’. What is this, MacBook “Gregorian Edition”? Get with the times, Jobs. Well, the person who runs the company now. Now that he’s dead. Now I feel bad.)  Is Two Face now suddenly just OCD? Does he simply have to do the same thing over and over again until it occurs in exactly the same fashion that he wants? Does he have to dichotomize his wardrobe because leopard print can never touch his right side? Also, he’s the ex-DA. Why is he laughing all the time? Is his sense of humor linked to his bowel movements? Perhaps every time he laughs at seeming nothingness, he’s actually letting out a cleverly disguised fart? I have questions.

There are other people in this movie. Nicole Kidman doesn’t come off as completely terrible and Val Kilmer neither gets into a plane with Tom Cruise nor high fives anyone while playing half-naked man-volleyball, so both are well ahead of the curve. Other than having the emotional chemistry of a bowl of forgotten gazpacho, the two hold their own. I could go off on how Kilmer is to this movie as athlete’s foot is to a sweaty crotch in that he’s just kind of there and irritating, but you can live with it, but I won’t. Compared to Keaton, he’s only two steps down the Bat-ladder. Granted Keaton was only on step two, but it’s all relative. Chris O’Donnell tries his darnedest as the Boy Wonder, smiling and brooding with his tiny pearl earring (a prequel to Scarlett Johansson’s career, I feel) and then doing inexplicable kung fu at all times. The poor guy, his career never had a chance. Not that it deserved one. It’s as though the second he tried to become famous, stepping onto the tracks of celebrityhood, the world in front of him, his foot got trapped in this movie. He tried pulling it out, but the train of irrelevance was coming fast. Mary Louise Parker screams and yells at him to go, but the shoe won’t come off. He unlaces it as fast as he can, but it’s one of those really old timey boots and he’s stuck. Finally…he frees himself, only to get splattered like a meat pancake. (For any of you not aware, that was a dramatization of grown-man-sob-inducer Fried Green Tomatoes at the Whistlestop Cafe. I dare you to watch it and keep a dry eye. You bastards).

But now, we’re onto the coup de grace. Jim Carrey. Oh, what a guy. The universe was blessed with this gentleman after he reached escape velocity from the millions of Wayans on 90s television. He gave us The MaskAce Ventura: Pet Detective, Ace Ventura: When Nature Calls, Me, Myself and Irene and this. I will say this, there are a collection of three unique jokes in each of those films with respect to Mr. Carrey, and they all involve the intentional mispronunciation of a word and elastic facial movements. When I was ten, I wet my fucking pants laughing whenever he said “Re-he-he-heally” or whenever he made references to things I’d never heard of (grew up in England, remember). Now that I’m twenty four with, what I like to think, is a more refined palate for jovial offerings, watching him prance and gyrate, all the while making noises that would make even that dude from Police Academy blush, I think to myself “I was a fucking idiot.” I know Carrey has acting talent; he’s proved as much with The Truman Show and Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. Both were fucking prime cut acting chops. But this…

That’s his orgasm hat. He needs it. To orgasm.

These jokes aren’t jokes. They’re just the awkward kid in school, dancing on the cafeteria tables, smothering himself in peanut butter in order to accrue attention. Everyone laughs, and yet the child is crying inside. Sobbing that no one remembered his birthday. That he doesn’t have a date to the dance. That barely anyone there even knows his name, he’s just ‘that kid with the weird fucking mole’. And so he smears, HE SMEARS. The peanut butter is everywhere, across his face, his naked chest, even his armpits. The crowd chants, demanding that he forces it into his ass crack and, like the monkey that he is, he obliges, taking that peanut-buttery lance of comedy and shoving it deep…deep…so, so deep. They cheer. They cheer. And yet, the poor boy…his innocence is gone. Forever.

Batman Forever (honestly, what the fuck does that title even mean?)

And now…TWEETS!

FYLING WORDS! This is already the best #batathon

Art direction by an epileptic trying to commit suicide. #batathon

Apparently, your evil side, like an aging Myrtle beach lady, only wears leopard print. #batathon

Banter! Sorry, did I say banter? I mean bullshit. #batathon

What fucking gun is that? Toaster tommy gun? I want to attach neon lights to my penis. Too much. #batathon

Drink every time this movie is terrible. DRINK #batathon

Also starring: Worst Gobo ever spinning on Nicole Kidman. Seriously, who the fuck designed this? A mentally challenged calligrapher?

Two Face looks like Pee Wee Herman had sex with Liberace.#batathon

And the Statue of Gotherty gets blown up. Because this is a classy film. Like Trump having a stripper gang bang. #batathon

Jim Carrey! What happened to you? Oh that’s right, we changed and you stayed the same. #batathon

I think Jim Carrey’s entire career is a two decade long stroke. Really funny until he falls over dead. Then it’ll be really sad. #batathon

‘Chair’ is the command for flying at 200 mph? “Please take a seat in this chaaaaaaai-!” Poor planning, I feel. #batathon

WAS ALFRED JUST WAITING FOR HIM DOWN THERE? ALFRED HAS A VERY VERY SAD LIFE. #batathon

Nicole Kidman starring as “Bat-Rapist” #batathon

“Guys, she just stroked his nipples. Copped some bat-nipple.” ~Meg#batathon

Ben joined us! “You missed the first fight scene” “Man on boy? You know this movie is sponsored by NAMBLA right?” ~ Ben. #batathon

And McKenzie just found out what NAMBLA was. I wish I could describe her face. I think it would be easily summed up as :O#batathon

“That is the best dance I have ever seen.” ~ Nobody. #batathon

ACTING. Something no one has heard of in this movie. #batathon

Jim Carrey looks like Ron Weasley ejaculated on his head. He acts like it too. Well, he acts like Jim Carrey. #batathon

“Interesting spin on Gotham.” “Interesting is a REALLY strong word.”#batathon

Nicole Kidman as: The Asian Guy in Law and Order #batathon

The circus, as designed by Boy George’s sex fantasy. #batathon

Jangly dude, with the baubles on your penis, dial it back a bit.#batathon

Where did Edward Nigma get popcorn? It’s a riddle! #lollerskatez#batathon

“What are the requirements for a henchman in a Batman movie? You have to do a lot of shit. Is there an application process?”#batathon

“He can shoot a Tommy Gun with one hand because he’s Tommy Lee Jones.” ~ Ryan #batathon

“No one’s clapping! Where’s my applause? Also, who are those corpses?” Robin, two seconds before being REALLY sad. #batathon

“Hey Bruce…you fell asleep masturbating again. You’ve been standing there for 10 hours.” ~ Alfred. #batathon

What was Tommy Lee’s motivation? “Try to be a rapist…but not TOO much of a rapist. Like…a rapist of the mind.” #batathon

“Mooney…will you grow Chris O’Donnell sideburns?” “For sexual purposes?” “Don’t make this dirty. It can heal people.” ~ Ryan and Mooney

“What was that show with the dinosaur family?” “Dinosaurs?”#batathon

“You would intrinsically know what we’re talking about if you had pointy sideburns.” ~ Ryan #batathon

“Drew Barrymore was 20 when this movie happened? She looks like she was 30.” “She’s been doing cocaine since she was like 7”#batathon

MORE BAT-TURTLENECKS! NOOOOOO! #batathon

How did Nygma grow his hair back? And change it’s color? And then change it back again? #batathon

Master Dick. No joke. Just words. #batathon

Second date and he brings up the murdered parents. Dude… Men are from Mars, women are from NOT YOUR DEAD PARENTS.#batathon

And Rufio dons the blacklight of anger and attacks Robin. #terrible#batathon

Brought to you by: ecstasy, a fun time drug! #batathon

Why do the reporter’s glasses have their own eyebrows? #batathon

You know what a Drew Barrymore is? It’s a Shirley Temple with vodka in it. #KNOWLEDGE #batathon

Watching Tommy Lee Jones smile with teeth is like seeing Satan shit. It’s horrifying, but you’re actually interested in the results.

All of Tommy Lee’s bad guys remind me of the gimp in Pulp Fiction#batathon

You couldn’t fight a Puffin, I don’t care how evil you are. #batathon

“Puffin kiss!” “Alright Puffin, you win.” #batathon

“She’s just a gigantic red clitoris in a blonde wig.” ~ Ryan #batathon

There are no double entrendres to Kidman’s pussy. Just folds.#batathon

And starring Kilmer’s creepy child molester smile. #batathon

When you think this is what remembering things is, you do way too much meth #batathon

ALFRED ADJUSTS THE PLATTER AFTER FALLING UNCONSCIOUS! Best. Butler. Ever. #batathon

Tommy Lee laughed so much in this movie that he has never laughed again. #batathon

Master Bruce requires fire comes out the butt for everything.#batathon

Batman and Robin, still a better love story than Twilight. #batathon

Jim Carrey’s crotch should get a billing as well. #batathon

Oh no! You broke the thing that keeps everything from exploding!#batathon

“I could do so much laundryyyyyy!” ~ Two Face falling to his death.#batathon

Who’s the guy with the bowtie? Ben Kingsley’s second cousin Rondo. Rondo Kingsley #batathon.

Why is the Riddler suddenly a Holocaust survivor? What are we saying here? #batathon

Oh no. Don’t use the awesome theme from the first two movies. Use U2 instead. #batathon

Well, until next time, folks. Join us on Wednesday evening at 9pm CST so that we can tackle the glorious punnery of Arnold Schwarzenegger, the misplaced sensuality of Uma Thurman and the cold dead stare of George Clooney before his career began. We shall be tweeting everything. It’s going to be terrible. I promise.

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Comments
  1. […] Batman Forever – Absinthe (con Wormwood). Should be illegal in the States and makes you feel like you are tripping balls. […]

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