As you might notice, this is not a film review. Oh no! This is a warning, to all ye of weak stomachs and balls not of brass. There is really only one more pantie-wetting extravaganza coming this summer and that is, of course, The Dark Knight Rises. As with all men who were once adolescent, I have dreamed of standing atop a gargoyle, my cape billowing in the cool night air, peering down on my city, my people, readying to fly down and destroy evildoers. But then my mother would yell, in a weathered British accent, “What the bloody ‘ell do yer think yer doin’ with your pants on yer head? Get down from the yer wanker!” (My mother’s previous profession before raising me was ‘Guy Ritchie gangster’.) There is a love for Batman that no other comic book has ever been able to match. Mr. Wayne has managed to batarang his way into the hearts and minds of children everywhere, joining the likes of Spiderman, Indiana Jones and Han Solo. But Batman is the Night. Don’t fuck with the night.
So, in honor of this grand occasion (and in no way building this all up to be the biggest case of fan boy blue balls since, well, Prometheus I guess. Man, it’s hard being a fan. People constantly letting us down…) I have decided to take on a task, nay, a feat of will. In this month leading up to the fabled coming of Batman-Christ (in that version of the Bible, Jesus doesn’t die on the cross, he uses his Roman-Repellant and grappling hooks to safety to watch over his jews for all time…) I will watch, observe, assimilate, digest, regurgitate and defecate the entirety of the live-action, post-war Batman canon. I will live tweet each experience as we go and finish with a good old ‘reactions/review/word-vomit’. Yes, there are some whorish stinkers in the mix, including the painfully existent Batman and Robin. However, all shall be watched. Some will be loved. More shall be ridiculed. I wish to also state that I have purchased all of these films. Thus, I shall measure each experience based on “Amount of Money Movie is Worth” divided by “Amount I Spent” to get a true shit-to-value ratio.
Like a saunter through the depths of Arkham, we shall pass every level of Batman-induced insanity. The line up is as follows:
Batman (1989) – Tim Burton (Dir.), Michael Keaton, Jack Nicholson – The first flavors of Burtonesque oddity. You think stuff won’t get any more bizarre after Jack Nicholson’s foray into rap artistry in the Gotham Museum of Art. You are so, so wrong…
Batman Returns (1992) – Tim Burton (Dir.), Michael Keaton, Danny Devito, Michelle Pfeiffer, Christopher Walken – How do you make the first movie crazier? Add Walken to the mix (clinically proven to make any movie 63.4% more fucked-up in the brainal region) and have a deformed Danny Devito bite a dude on the nose.
Batman: The Movie (1966) – Leslie H. Martinson (Dir.), Adam West, Burt Ward, Cesar Romero – Holy Crapfest, Batman! Buckle your seat belts, you’re about to get a serious dose of insane logical leaps and the infamous ‘Shark Repellant’. In this trip down crazy lane, this would be Batman’s id just ripping off his panties and slapping his penis about a couple of hippies.
Batman Forever (1995) – Joel Schumacher (Dir.), Val Kilmer, Chris O’Donnell, Nicole Kidman, Jim Carrey, Tommy Lee Jones – Joel “Epileptic Fit” Schumacher takes the reins and Tommy Lee loses a bet. See Jim Carrey at the height of his power and Val Kilmer on the precipice of getting fat. Also, Chris “Who?” O’Donnell and Nicole “Taller Than Tom Cruise” Kidman join in the fun.
Batman and Robin (1997) – Joel Schumacher (Dir.), George Clooney, Chris O’Donnell, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Uma Thurman, Alicia Silverstone – The turd bucket to end all turd buckets. Clooney fires his agent. Arnie attempts comedy (sort of). Nipples on the Bat-suit and art direction that would make Stevie Wonder say ‘Damn son, that shit is loud as hell’.
Batman Begins (2005) – Christopher Nolan (Dir.), Christian Bale, Michael Caine, Liam Neeson, Morgan Freeman, Katie Holmes, Cillian Murphy – Thank the jesus. Quality finally makes a much needed return with this reboot. We get a movie that made enthusiasts and plebs alike slobber uncontrollably, forcing theater-owners to plastic cover their seats whenever a new Nolan movie is released.
The Dark Knight (2008) – Christopher Nolan (Dir.), Christian Bale, Michael Caine, Heath Ledger, Morgan Freeman, Gary Oldman, Aaron Eckhart, Maggie Gyllenhaal – Theater owners everywhere thank the lord that the plastic wrapping was in place as fans and non fans, pretty much anyone with a pulse, simultaneously shit themselves with glee at Heath Ledger’s performance. Goddamn. I’m getting uncomfortable just thinking about it. Give me once second and I’ll take care of this…
Follow me on twitter @filmicignorance and I’ll give a heads up when the games will begin. It has been discussed that the final evening will culminate with a Batman themed dinner and Batman voice contest that I intend to film. The first of the bunch is tentatively scheduled for this Sunday June 24th around 8pm CST. Join the party, nerds.